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Archive for March 2012

A few years ago, one of my guy friends said to me,”Oh, I could never get with her. She’s crazy.” Whenever a guy says this, it means he tried and he failed. I’ve had enough experience with guy friends to believe this is truth. Guys want to get into your pants—especially if you are as gorgeous, brilliant, and upbeat as this girl is.

Said girl was a good friend of both of ours. She was friends with his sister from college, she moved into our town which is how they connected, she and I became fast friends since she was my neighbor, and I met him through her.

Even if she was crazy, what guy wouldn’t try? I don’t think he invited her to watch movies at his house or to hang out all the time because she was new to the area. He was trying to move in, and even though she’s naive and I doubt she even considered he wanted to be more than friends, she did or said something that made it clear that she was not interested.

The one thing I’m almost sure about when a guy says a girl (who he often hangs out with) is crazy: He tried and got shot down, was placed in the “friend zone.” Oh boo-hoo. Clearly she is not “crazy” if you remain to be her “friend.” (That sliver of hope: this topic deems an entirely new post.)

There’s this type of guy who didn’t get any of the girls and/or any sort of recognition in high school, and then got hotter or cooler in college, which then made him more social, which then inflated his ego. He attempts to keep up this social butterfly persona later in life, but since he still holds a huge insecurity about his social status, he constantly needs to do subtle brags (about himself) or stabs (at others) to prove to everyone (himself, really) that he is worthy of some sort of social acceptance to make up for the fact that he was the class dork/misunderstood/unnoticed for most of his life.

So to all those loser asshole guys in life, who feel the need to deem a girl crazy just because she rejected him, and to say it to her friend (and if that friend is me, I will immediately discontinue my friendship with you, L.A.G.—as is what happened here), man up and grow something. Dissing girls is uncool, especially to other girls, and especially especially to their friends. And girls, don’t allow that bs. Call them out on it!

L.A.G.’s: Don’t hate on others because you lost. I’m sure plenty of people liked you all along, but because of your complex, they certainly don’t now.

My nails and cuticles have all but diminished this winter, due to excessive handwashing, dry air, and my craziness of removing polish and repainting every day. (I can’t go get a real manicure anymore; I’m too embarrassed for them to see my hands!) So, after a little research, I have created a rich moisturizing concoction to pave the way on my road to recovery.

Here’s a little treatment for your hands:

Mix: 1 egg, 1/2 cup warmed milk (I use almond milk, but any will suffice besides skim), 1 T olive oil, 1 Vitamin E capsule, a generous dollup of cocoa and/or shea butter lotion and 1/2 an overripe avocado (mashed up). Blender the ingredients if your avocado or anything else is being difficult.

After soaking your 10 digits for 10 minutes, remove and coat nails and cuticles with Vaseline or Aquaphor. Then lotion the rest of your hands with Eucerin cream (the thick, from-the-jar kind). Slip on gloves. Best to do this overnight to maximize results, hence why I am publishing this on a Sunday, but 20 minutes will suffice.

Luxuriate!

Jewelry, step aside. This is not about you. Same with you, sequined dresses and bedazzled coats.

There are several ways to emanate  sparkle from your body instead. Here are my favorites:

Your face:

*Revlon “PERLE” eyeshadow in Lilac Shimmer. You don’t have to limit this to your eyes just because it’s eyeshadow. Experiment on your cheeks, or mix it with lotion for your shoulders. It’s a fantastic, long-lasting form of glitter.

*Glamorous Cosmetics makes a palette that I use daily: The Summer Set. Not sure if they will bring it back this season. However, they make a glitter powder and have a line devoted to glittery make-up products, including almost every color of glittering eyeliner!

Your hair:

*Actual, made for arts and crafts, straight-from-the-sprinkler bottle glitter. I usually shower this over my head (outside, so as not to make a mess). It will stay in your hair for the night, and if it gets on your clothes, all the better.

*Spray glitter made for hair, from the bottle. The glitter stays put and makes your hair a little sticky in that hairspray-way, but it’s a preferable option for Halloween and for costume parties. You can also go blonde for the night, or hot pink, or anything really; all you have to do is pick your poison. Ricky’s and most other beauty supply stores sell it year-round.

Your body:

*It’s hard to find glitter gel these days, so it’s best to make your own. I actually think it comes out better if you do it yourself. Wet & Wild makes a glitter called MegaSparkle Confetti, and if you mix that with your body lotion, you can create the desired effect—subdued or extreme.

*If you want bronze-y skin with a sparkle, L’Oreal Sublime Glow is a gradual self tanner that has tiny, tiny sparkles that catch the light and give a nice shimmer to the skin.

Here’s to Fairy Dusting the World!

I never quite realized the name of one of my fave dance spots, also by this title, is the word I’m talking about in reverse.

Recently, I was hanging out with some college kids who were discussing the sexcapades of the previous evening, and a (gay) boy made a joke to a (straight) girl, that he did not, indeed, pull a _____ (insert her name here) with his sleepover buddy.

What he was trying to say was, “I put effort into this and didn’t just lie there lazily (like you).”

I naturally had to throw in my two cents. Basically, if you are as gorgeous as this girl is, you don’t have to do any work, not for a casual thing. Don’t waste your time! Take him for all he’s worth and relish in it.

This is a simple business operation; the guy is just happy that you’re letting him in. Ladies, think: You need what I have and I may need what you have (but not as much, of course).

I’ll be the first to admit that I am extremely lazy in bed when it’s not serious. Even when it becomes serious, take your time. Save effort and work for the person you get serious with. Seriously.

This brings me to my next point (which is directed to girls who are into boys, because that is what I know best): When you are finally committed, beyond putting in a little more enthusiasm, bring your tricks out of the bag very, very (I can’t emphasize this enough!) slowly. You need to keep a man intrigued. Start out kind of lazy, and then surprise. But keep it very sporadic and unpredictable.

And, while I’m at it, boys who are into girls: Most girls are more willing to do things to you if you DON’T ask, because then it feels like a chore. (Sound familiar? It’s like when we ask you to take out the trash—tres unsexy.) Give us a little more time to be dying to burn your britches; besides, it will be much more pleasurable for you if we are into it.

‘Nuff said.

I categorize my life in seasons. There used to be two: Social Season and Hibernation Season. I’ve added one more—a revision to my year: Holiday Season. Let me define:

Social Season begins the “real” year, which starts in late April, when people start to come out of hiding on a regular basis. It ends in early November. There’s a slight lag during mid-summer season, when everyone is traveling, but we’re being social with other people—the summer kids—so no need to redefine. If we’re not with all of our best friends all of the time, we are definitely doing something social.

Holiday Season is Thanksgiving through the New Year, when everyone is throwing parties and out and about despite the weather, because festivity is in the air. People take more time off to use up their vacation days, which makes them more easygoing despite end-of-year stress.

Hibernation Season starts January 2nd and ends when Social Season begins. It is prime time to become a homebody: renovate, redecorate, do some winter cleaning, and to resume old-people indoor hobbies like knitting, painting, scrapbooking,  cooking, or reading an entire book in a day. It’s also the season for becoming a workaholic and a gymrat (as traipsing around outside for long periods of time is unpleasant), and it is the best season for maximizing the use of your bedroom.

Given that this has been a mild winter and temperatures are approaching the high 60s today, I think it’s safe to say that Social Season, the start of the “real” new year, is kicking in early. Hope you’re prepped!


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