Beware of the Momster

Last week, I met two twenty-something friends with a fabulous story about a female character from their UVA frat-boy days. I begged them for permission to post it on, because this story is just too unbelievable not to be shared. *Names have been changed, just in case.*

It started one Saturday night when Matt, a college freshman, was walking back to his dorm after a party and his friend Ethan called him to brag about hooking up with a girl after Matt left.

As excited as Ethan was that Saturday night, he was equally if not more embarrassed the following day when he saw a picture of her. The lady was quite hideous, not to mention much older.

He was even more traumatized when his buddies figured out who she was: one of their classmates’ mothers.

Ethan’s roommate and a friend in his hall came up with the nickname “The Beast” (later, the “Momster”) for her, and taunted him with texts every time they saw her on campus. E would just shake his head in shame and disbelief.

The horrifying aftermath of the experience scared Ethan from going out and/or drinking too much during college. (Not that he was the life of the party or anything before that encounter anyway, but still…)

Later, Matt found out that Ethan wasn’t the first victim. A guy in Matt’s fraternity from the class above him had lost his virginity to the Momster—and even more intriguing—around the same time Ethan hooked up with her. This woman really got around!

“Virginity Victim,” unlike Ethan, quite significantly moved up in the ranks in terms of girlfriends after the Momster experience. In his own words : “The only place I could go after that was up.”

Once the fraternity put these two stories together and realized this cougar was chasing down all the young chaps on campus, they started calling her “The Momster” and she became an ongoing topic thread on their fraternity listserve.

I’ll be sharing the actual email threads on this soon. Strictly their conversations with translations where needed. Plus, a few other stories from the frat. (All identities protected.) Stay tuned.


Put Yourself First.

At the end of the day, all you have is you. You may be married or in a committed relationship, but let’s be honest: that can change. You may have a great group of friends, but that can change. People change, you change, and sometimes that means growing apart. Relationships change. There are no guarantees in life.

People move in and out of your life because of geography, circumstance, or moving in different directions in the scheme of things. Therefore you have to be strong. Because there is only one person you will certainly be cuddling up to and sleeping with and comforted by for the rest of your life, and that person is you.

You need to be really strong and your own best friend, lover, and fan. You need to be the champion of you. You are whom you have always. You are all you are guaranteed to ever have in this unpredictable life. Always love yourself first. You must love your own company above all else if you want to survive in this lonely world. People come and go, but you are (your) forever.


There is a time in every person’s life when he or she must be humble. This is called “regular-who-cares” for men and “insanely-unfortunate-accident” for the fairer sex.

Ladies, after all, do not go to the bathroom to actually go. We just need to gossip, freshen red lipstick, and style hair before photos are taken.

I found myself in an extremely judgmental situation lately, me being the judge. Everyone in the house was leaving one bright morning. Until… two boys needed to do the two. And they seriously said this in front of me, both fighting for the bathroom in an emergency situation.

The best part was that I had mentioned the day before to boy #1 and everyone else around that was living or hanging at that house (obvi not my house, since my place is never out of supplies when guests are expected) that there was no, ahem, t.p., but since boy-men are lazy and have a delayed reaction time… well, this just came crashing down on them.

They were both fighting to go in there, not realizing that this may screw their own chances of someone handing them paper towels.

So then I was caught in the middle and had to be the nice, un-tipped bathroom attendant, stripping the paper towels into toilet-bowl flushable parts because these two sh*tting enemies couldn’t help each other out.

I think the best part about it was that they had no shame saying, “I need to sh*t now.”

If I said that, I doubt I’d have any female friends for sure, male friends next. Gosh, I’m quite sure even my brothers would disown me. If the gender roles were reversed, this would go down in ruined reputation history for any given female. This type of behavior is only acceptable in an insane emergency.

Oh wait, that happened last year when I puked several times from my cancer surgery post-op but still managed to get to the bathroom every single time without anything missing that damn porcelain bowl. That would have been forgivable, and I didn’t even ask for assistance then.

I should have a) not been ashamed and b) made allies with my bro and mom rather than worry about burdening them with a mess or having to hold my hair back or hand me a towel. Way more of an emergency than this one.

If it is indeed an unfortunate emergency, I get it. But be polite about it.

Grow some manners if you’re grown.


Ice is a highly undervalued commodity. I’ve owned my new refrigerator for over a year and have yet to hook up the ice maker part of the freezer. Shame on me. How much am I truly missing out on the cold frozen water of life?

Here, a breakdown of the value of this virtually free element:

1. Obvious, but ice cools drinks. Yum iced coffee, water, and rocks drinks. Packed in a bucket, it keeps champagne cold; in a cooler, it preserves your beer.

2. The morning after cold drinks, ice cures your headache. Whether you rest a couple of cubes on your forehead or eat a flavored icy, you are well on your way to starting off your day like a normal person.

3. Baggy, tired, old eyes. Ice is like free, temporary botox. Wrinkles and puffs be gone! Poof.

4. Sex. Ice is hard and wet like you, but cold in contrast to your hot. Many ways to incorporate it into your bedroom activities.

5. Sore muscles. This is the healer for sports injuries. I make ice packs with zippered sandwich bags and rest them on my knees and ankles. (I’m a runner). Ditto for tired, high-heeled, city-traipsing feet. Just last night, my boyfriend and I made a temporary sling for my crowd-surfing hurt roommate using just that…a ziplocked bag of ice tucked into a safety-pinned towel as sling. Genius!

Ice is saving the world, one cube at a time.

Related: Ice

The Best of Everything Central Avenue, Jersey City, NJ

Having lived here for some time, I have a pretty good idea about where to get the best everything in Hudson County (Hoboken and Jersey City). This series will start with what is closest to home: Central Avenue in the Heights.

Central Avenue offers some of the best products at the best prices. From farm stands to dollar stores and many gems in between, here are my recommendations:

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Yummy! Bruschetta is easy to make and always a crowd pleaser. Take advantage of extended tomato season. Here’s my Italian recipe:

(Serves 6)

1 12-inch loaf of Italian bread
1 head of garlic, pressed or finely chopped
2T olive oil
4 Roma tomatoes, chopped
1/2 red onion, chopped
1/2 large red pepper
2T basil leaves, finely chopped
salt and pepper to taste

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