There is a time in every person’s life when he or she must be humble. This is called “regular-who-cares” for men and “insanely-unfortunate-accident” for the fairer sex.

Ladies, after all, do not go to the bathroom to actually go. We just need to gossip, freshen red lipstick, and style hair before photos are taken.

I found myself in an extremely judgmental situation lately, me being the judge. Everyone in the house was leaving one bright morning. Until… two boys needed to do the two. And they seriously said this in front of me, both fighting for the bathroom in an emergency situation.

The best part was that I had mentioned the day before to boy #1 and everyone else around that was living or hanging at that house (obvi not my house, since my place is never out of supplies when guests are expected) that there was no, ahem, t.p., but since boy-men are lazy and have a delayed reaction time… well, this just came crashing down on them.

They were both fighting to go in there, not realizing that this may screw their own chances of someone handing them paper towels.

So then I was caught in the middle and had to be the nice, un-tipped bathroom attendant, stripping the paper towels into toilet-bowl flushable parts because these two sh*tting enemies couldn’t help each other out.

I think the best part about it was that they had no shame saying, “I need to sh*t now.”

If I said that, I doubt I’d have any female friends for sure, male friends next. Gosh, I’m quite sure even my brothers would disown me. If the gender roles were reversed, this would go down in ruined reputation history for any given female. This type of behavior is only acceptable in an insane emergency.

Oh wait, that happened last year when I puked several times from my cancer surgery post-op but still managed to get to the bathroom every single time without anything missing that damn porcelain bowl. That would have been forgivable, and I didn’t even ask for assistance then.

I should have a) not been ashamed and b) made allies with my bro and mom rather than worry about burdening them with a mess or having to hold my hair back or hand me a towel. Way more of an emergency than this one.

If it is indeed an unfortunate emergency, I get it. But be polite about it.

Grow some manners if you’re grown.

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