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FAIL

Posted on: May 5, 2015

failure

POF stands for “premature ovarian failure.”

“FAILURE.”

Life has thrown me a lot of hurdles. But now I should probably just tattoo the new F-word on my forehead.

I’ve never been in trouble with the law. I’ve always followed the rules (except that one time in high school) and I’m continually punished.

Just another label that makes me feel like a charity project and reinforces the failure I feel being an outcast from “normal” society, from everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve. There are so many days I question whether I should have let my cancer take its toll. I do feel that that was my proper time and people got in the way. “Let life take its course,” I thought. “Don’t play God.” All around me people gave me the “Gia, you are crazy and stop it” speech. I think I’ve been screwed ever since. My career success was the only thing that ever mattered, and even that is becoming a distant dream. I wish I had died in my laurel wreath.

Someday…when is that? I’ve worked hard since I was 11, hustling to be independent and take care of myself, but my soul is beginning to break. Why me, of all people? That is really the wrong question to ask, because I’ve realized, it’s not even about me, it’s not just me. A lot of us who have great schooling and great skills somehow have no place in this world.

I always thought “I’m supposed to be the happy, strong one. I am tough. Nothing gets in my way. I create my own success (or failure).”

But F that.

Now science labels me a failure, something that is/was out of my control, nothing I could do…

The good part is having a large family and a great support group that recognizes my value, even if I don’t.

 
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1 Response to "FAIL"

Gia, my heart is breaking for you, having to suffer so much. I love you! Be strong, my little sister, for you are no failure. The proof is all around you, though hard to see today, I know.

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