“We need to water down the hed” [as in headline, when talking about Duggars having sex]
“I mean there needs to be more of a story here. If you tell me he drugged you and raped you in a hotel room, then that is great! That is a great story. But right now, there’s really nothing here.”
"How was the strip club?” "The strippers were like C-list. But the place was packed!”
“I just found out I’m dating roommates!” [said young, excited confused boy]
"What do you want to do? Get him in here for a polygraph?" [says man to woman who’s analyzing her latest date
“Ugh. The place was filled with 25-yr-olds who weighed 14 lbs. and were wearing head scarves.”
He’s not cool enough to be gay. [girl on the topic of a guy’s sexuality]
Because I’m a good girl. I rubbed the ribbon and I felt really connected. [I have no idea.]
“I can’t get enough nuts with my fruit. So frustrating.” [on a yogurt snack]
“I’m knee-deep in Robin Williams.”
“Is there really any truth to this? I mean, Bill [Clinton] can tell anyone he’s sleeping with that his wife is a lesbian. You know I know him from when he came on to me.”
“I reached up. Two of my fingers got stuck in his jeans, I turned to walk away and ripped a hole.” [I have no idea.]
“I’m really good with blue balls.”
“My wife is telling me I have a Madonna/whore complex. I didn’t want to have sex with her the other night. I mean, she’s six months along [pregnant] and I just need her to look a little different. Well I went to Catholic elementary school, Catholic high school, and spent a year at Notre Dame. If you met most Catholic Italian guys like me, they’d be the same way.”
“Wanna get lunch at xyz with me? They have kielbasa, pierogies.” “OK, I’m in. Did you know I once dated a guy named Kevin Kielbasa?” “Did he have a large sausage?” “You know it. He completely lived up to his name.”
In email about the health column: “Hey Gia! Look at this. The sexercise thing would be perfect for us … er … the magazine!“
Always something to laugh about. More to come…
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